Tonight.

Sitting alone in the living room, watching Buffy's musical episode, thinking about today.

Today, we had 100+ people in our backyard and tearing though the house.

Life's a show, and we all play our parts.

We went through 80 hot dogs, 80 hamburgers, 24 brats. (note for next time: more brats.) My darling parents showed up an hour early, entertained grandchildren, and sliced vegetables. My father spent two+ hours manning the grill so Evan could talk to his friends. We had a really lovely contingent from Princeton, many of whom hadn't met our kids. Jed was lovely, happy, and brought along a yummy girlfriend who was sweet and a great sport. Ned was in the best place I've ever seen him. Dave was riding the wave as always, and was relishing being around his friends and lots of happy kids. John brought along the beautiful Sima and the delicious Baby Daniel, and I managed to play Flying Baby with him and gave him lots of snuggles and yet! I still don't need any more babies.

My big brother, lovely sister-in-law and gorgeous nieces came as well. It was such a treat to show them off to my friends. Some of my friends have been dying to meet my brother and the general reaction was "Holy cats, you guys sure do look and sound like your folks!"

Our Maplewood, South Orange and West Orange friends were the life of the party, as always. They bring awesome food, more liquor than they should, and then let their kids loose on the household, knowing that there will always be a parental-type to scoop up a crying child and comfort them long enough to deliver them to a parent. We had a couple bloody noses due to the hammock, a couple of fights over who was gonna wear a certain ball gown, and a few "uh, Amie? Oscar dropped his cupcake on Evan's pillow but it was totally an ACCIDENT!" I had a couple of my best girlfriends confide in me that they've had crying jags over the past few days. Me too. Although I had my serious grieving period in October or November, every couple days I lose it.

Oscar asked me if I was gonna cry tonight. (He witnessed a full-out bawling session the other day, which in retrospect I regret.) I managed to keep it together tonight, except for two times: when my parents showed u with a gigantic McKinney & Doyle cake that matched our wedding cake (24 inch bottom tier, chocolate mousse) and said "Good-bye New Jersey, Hello California." I almost lost it then. I managed to keep it together for a couple hours, and at 9:30 or so (hours after her parents had left) my beloved mother's helper needed to say good-bye to the kids. Now, my kids have had plenty of babysitters, but this certain 12-year-old girl has cared for them, played with them, and loved them on a weekly basis for almost a year. Tonight, she gave Oscar a birthday present (which was more thought-out and welcomed than anything we got him) and presented each one of our kids with a framed poem that she'd written for each of them. If one good thing comes out of tonight, it's that she will be the most highly-sought-after babysitters in the town, and that my kids will learn how to write postcards, text, and Skype to stay in touch with their beloved Sophie.